LUCKY #13

13. What is your favorite sport?

Lately, I've been really into soccer.  But that's not for the sport, that's for the boys. I love soccer players, oh my god. Hottest breed of men EVER.  I mean, seriously, have you seen David Beckham?

But honestly, and this is so embarrassing when I go to watch my soccer boys here at DU play (or my siblings...oops), I don't know the ins and outs of soccer at all.  I mean, I know enough to get me by, but that's about it.
As far as actually understanding sports, college basketball is what I get into.  But I can't go that tall. ;)

I slacked off, so here's a bunch to make up for it. (8-12)

8. What do you like the most about yourself?

I almost just cheated and asked my friend what he likes most about me. But hey, that's not what the question asked. See, here's the thing, I find it difficult to find many things I like about myself, although I could list off a million things I hate about myself. So I guess if there's one thing I like about myself, it's my ability to get attention, as horrible as that sounds. I'm really good at it, and when I start to feel bad about relying on that skill, I think: it's not what you know, it's who you know.

9. Are you a lover or a fighter?

I'm a little bit of both, if that makes sense.  The boy who decides to not leave me will be the luckiest guy ever, because I can promise I will love him totally and completely.  At the same time, if you piss me off, watch out.  I can make you feel horrible and release wrath you don't know the end of.  But I think that combination is what makes me so initially endearing.  I can flirt like crazy because I'm simultaneously tearing you apart but showing you glimpses of crazy affection. I'm confusing and that's exciting, hence the ability to acquire attention.

10. What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?

Secrets or getting left alone.  Either one involves shadiness and lying and feelings getting hurt. Just be honest with me.  If things aren't working, just tell me...maybe we can fix things.

11. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change and why?

I'm so freaking emotional, and it sucks. Sure, someone may appreciate it someday, but until then, it just makes life difficult.

12. What are features you get complimented on a lot?

My big eyes, pretty hair, height, petite-ness, smile....I don't know, it seems that I survive on my appearance. Whatever.

And on the SEVENTH DAY, He rested.

7. What is something you’re addicted to?

 

 

 

Honestly, as dumb and crazy and stupid as it sounds, it's gotta be love. I love love. I love everything about it. I love the joy and pain it is capable of bringing. I love that it kept Harry Potter alive. I love how on air you feel when it's present and the creativity it pulls out of people when it's stolen from you. I love the strength it has but can still be so gentle. I look for it everywhere, in everything and everyone. It's ridiculous, and maybe it's an attention thing, but it's what I want more than anything.

 

By the way, I'm addicted to letters to crushes. Legit. I bet you could find me there if you tried. lalala

DAY SIX

Day 6: Have you ever been heartbroken? Have you ever broken a heart?

 

Yes, to both. I find myself often breaking hearts, and I don't mean to sound conceited when I say that.  I get bored easily, and I also find myself falling in love with every other guy I see. To quote my favorite movie in attempt to snap myself out of it:

 

"Just because a cute girl likes the same bizzaro crap you do, doesn't mean she's your soulmate."

 

 

Because of this, I get my heart broken a lot, but I don't know if it's really the guys doing it or if I'm breaking my own heart due to overtly high expectations. Either way, I've lost faith in love as of late. I want my fairytale, and I'm afraid it's never going to happen.

 

I apologize for these blogs seriously SUCKING. I've been having minor (major?) freak-outs lately and can't focus for my life.

DAY FIVE

5. What is your phobia/fear?

 

Okay, I only have about a million. Spiders, sharks, snakes, heights, deep water, crowds, tight spaces, not being able to move my limbs, not death but dying, having to pretend I know something when I have no clue (yes, I know that sounds absurd coming from me)...but I have one that absolutely terrifies me:

Being completely alone.

 

To go through all of that by myself, without anyone telling me it'll be a-okay? Holy crap, no. Couldn't do it.

I can see how this would go along with day three (true love), because my explanation was feeling safe and secure. Obviously I'm disgustingly insecure if that's what I need more than anything else. Could I be any more typically teen? Seriously.

 

It's so sad that the feeling this photo portrays to me is exactly what I need to never be afraid of anything ever again.  What happened to relying on myself?

 

DAY FOUR

4. What is the best and worst jobs you have ever had?

 

Honestly, I've had one legitimate job....and I hated it.  I worked as a hostess at a local restaurant owned by this Greek family that thought they owned the world.  I dealt with constant sexism, racism (seriously...they hated anyone who wasn't Greek), and sexual and verbal abuse. I wanted to and could've sued, but I wouldn't have just been going against the owner's nasty son; I would've been going against the entire family/chain of restaurants.  So basically, I just couldn't wait to go to school.

 

(Sorry this one was so short. I've had a lot on my mind.) 

On the subject of love...

Today, my best friend is going through something difficult. A family member has passed and I know she is struggling with how to handle it. Kellycakes, it is going to be okay. Today, I want you to cry if you feel like it. Hate life if you feel like it. Call him if you feel like it. You can, it's okay. He will understand; he will listen.

Jersey Shore Night FTW

I have some things to tell you, if you're reading this (which I know you will). All throughout high school, I never felt like I had a best friend.  Since I transferred in, I felt like everyone had their own little cliques already and I had to work to muscle in. I felt like that with you, even, when we first started religiously hanging out this summer. But you know what? It's whatever. I finally feel like I have someone there to count on, even if you're hours away from me for school. For once, I don't have to rely on boys to be happy, I have friends.

I want to thank you for being there all the time, even when you didn't have to be.  Thank you for deepening my obsession with Taylor Swift and John Mayer and Glee and for reintroducing me to the love that is Coldplay and puppy chow.  Thank you for appreciating my awkwardness and accepting my hopeless romanticism.  Thank you for being a sarcastic bitch with me.  Thank you for giving me someone to cry to when I feel pathetic and stupid (and since you know I can't go to him anymore).  Thank you for the countless rides because you know driving scares the hell out of me and for inviting me into your home and life more times than you probably should have.

Kelly, I love you. I don't care how lesbian this all sounds because I know you won't take it that way. You are amazing and wonderful and I am so grateful for you. Remember, sometimes, you don't have to stay strong. I am always here whenever you need me, you know that. <3 If a boy never decides to deal with my craziness, I know at least I found my other half in a best friend.

DAY THREE

3. What is true love?

Today, just because it is today, this question sucks. I used to think I knew what true love was, despite all the "grown-ups" telling me I didn't. I loved him with this almost pathetic fire, it consumed that much of my life. Everything I did was due to that love, although people tended to view my actions a little differently.  They saw the fighting and the bitch-drama and how jealous and possessive I was. But they weren't in our relationship. I got jealous because sometimes I was afraid he didn't love me like I loved him and I acted out negatively for his attention and whatever, my life revolved around this unstable love.

Still, though, he started molding my thoughts as to what real true love is. Love is when you're so comfortable around someone that his and your imperfections and perfections all meld together, and you could be seriously happy with just laying around all day, soaking in each other's laughter and stories and "I love you" vibes. It's when effort isn't something on the forefront of your mind, because you wouldn't think to put in any less than 110% into the relationship. And, sure, you would do anything for that person, you would let them leave if they wanted to, but there's that peaceful feeling because you know they wouldn't think twice to ever leave what you two have. True love is like that perfect, deep exhale after holding your breath for forever too long, but it doesn't just last for a few seconds until you have to breathe in again...it's like a 24/7 woosh of feel-good. 

Sure, you may struggle, you may slip up, but you know you're secure. You're safe. That's love.

On that note, go here. Please. It's fantastic: letters to crushes. That is all. :)

DAY TWO

2. What’s your favorite season, and why?

My favorite season might be fall, which is weird, because I used to hate it.  I hated fall because it led to winter, but now I feel like I don't hate winter as much either.  And hey, guess what, spring isn't that bad either.  I used to only live for summer every year, and don't get me wrong, I love summer. I love everything about it.  But know, I feel like I can appreciate all of the seasons a little closer to equally, and fall just has that prettiness to it.  I'm definitely gonna be that mom that has fall decorations...not for a specific holiday, like Halloween or Thanksgiving (I mean, I'll have that stuff, too), but just for the sake of it being fall. And that's that.

Seriously, this is unacceptable./DAY ONE

It's been over a month.  My last post was October 21st, and let's be honest, a compilation of random picture doesn't count for much of anything.  I apologize to my invisible audience; you must be so distraught.

Okay, so life has turned into this crazy, dramatic, insane, busy mess of college-ness.  So, since I've gotten a little sidetracked, I'm giving myself a reason to blog consistently.  It's this 20-day challenge that I saw on my friend's blog (read it) that is brilliant. As is my motto as of late: Here goes nothing.

1. If you could wish for anything that would come true right now, what would it be?
2. What’s your favorite season, and why?

3. What is true love?

4. What is the best and worst jobs you have ever had?

5. What is your phobia/fear?

6. Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever broken a heart?

7. What is something you’re addicted to?

8. What do you like the most about yourself?

9. Are you a lover or a fighter?

10. What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?

11. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change and why?

12. What are features you get complimented on a lot?

13. What is your favorite sport?

14. Write a letter to someone important in your life.

15. Whom do you admire the most?

16. What are 10 goals in your life?

17. What gives you sincere happiness?

18. What are the 10 most significant memories in your life?

19. When were the happiest days in your life?

20. If you died tomorrow, what’s one thing you’d regret not doing?

 

DAY ONE

1. If you could wish for anything that would come true right now, what would it be?

Honestly, I just want consistency in something.  My grades, my dance ability/technique, friendships, relationships...hell, even my sleep schedule. Everything is in constant flux right now, and I would definitely say I'm more of a routine-oriented person.

I'm such a typical chick though; of course an attractive (ahem perfect) boy showing interest would prompt this answer. "It's complicated", and frankly, it sucks. I would go more into detail, but I feel like exploiting his life over the internet (to all of you people who don't read this anyway...) isn't in the least bit classy. Basically, it's another classic case of a man not knowing what he wants, and I'm somehow caught in the mix.  So, consistency, please.

Yes, yes, I did another one.

Gorgeous.

In a nutshell...marry me?

He became hotter when I found out he was English.

I'll take calligraphy, and then I'll make a fake degree.

So, college. Sometimes it gets in the way of life, even though it is essentially my life right now. Make sense? Anyway, I go here:

Lewis Memorial Hall



Cloister Walk




Mazzachelli Hall/The Quad



Lewis Hall again

back of Lewis, Power Hall

And I live here:

which has acquired more personal touches as the weeks have gone on.

I am now a part of the DU dance team and SLAM (Student Leadership and Ministry).  I forgot to apply for an RSA (Resident Student Association) Hall Rep position in time and for a senator position in SGA (Student Government Association).  Whatever, I have no time as it is.  Oh, and I have an on-campus job as a Phonathon caller.  So to all you alumni, I'm really sorry for the calls you'll be receiving when we ask you to shell out your money to us.

This place doesn't suck as bad as I thought it would/did. I made friends with the soccer team, the basketball team, the golf team, and the girls' volleyball team.  I found out where the parties occur, where the cheap food is, where the train stations are, and what's in downtown Oak Park.  Plus, the houses in this neighborhood are gorgeous. 

So, people of blog world (even though you really don't exist for me), I will start posting again; sorry for having a life. It was unintentional.

New (School) Year's Resolutions

My mantra rings true.  This year will be better.  I will keep my priorities straight; I will look out for myself; I will keep my eyes on God.

(Yes, I am a Christian, for those of you whom I might offend.  Yes, I was raised Christian, but, no, I am not brainwashed.  I make my own choices, and I could have walked away if I wanted to.  However, my faith gives me hope and strength that people cannot.  People let me down.  Christ will never leave me, never let me fall.  My plan is to seek him in everything.  I won't walk away, and those of you who belittle me for it:  Let's just agree to disagree.)

I live my life to make others happy, and that's great.  That's wonderful.  Selflessness is a good quality to have.  But I reached a point where I no longer tried to make myself happy.  Helping certain people in certain situations would hurt me in the process.  No more.  If I don't feel right about it, I'm not doing it.

I have to learn to be more patient, more open, more caring.  One day, I hope I will be that person that seems radiant, literally, because they are trying to be the best they can be.  I want that joy.

This year will be better. It has to be.

I have a blog; I'm allowed to waste time like this.

"When I say these words you know I mean them."

Here comes another theory:
Everything in life boils down to effort. Lack there of, amount put in, etc.

Honestly, people that give up bug me to no end. Believe it or not, I find myself changing myself for everyone and their mother just to please them, to make things work, to fix broken things, while in return I get ignored or stepped on.

(Side note: This reminded me of Mr. Guimond's senior AP English Lit. class while we were reading Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. One of the essential questions was, "Is it worse to be unacknowledged or ignored?" Other people took time to think and then answered carefully; I knew as soon as he asked: ignored, obviously. To have someone know you're trying so hard to please them, to let them know you exist and that you care, and them to have them ignore that....that's torture. Complete emotional torture.)

At the moment, I am actively trying to be a better person: "watch my mouth", not flirt with every boy in sight, be a more God-fearing individual, work harder, be smarter, stand up for myself, etc. Why am I doing this? Only to prove to a boy (shocker there) who lives three hours away from me that I really do care what happens to us/the potential of us. By the way, this is not the easiest thing for me to do. I slipped up this summer, started turning into the person I said I would never be, the girl I hated and had no respect for.

"TMI" time: This is the first kid I've been with/spent time with this summer that I felt I didn't have to convince myself I was doing better than my ex boyfriend. Does that make sense? This kid has potential to be better than the only serious relationship I've ever had. I want to try, and I'm really scared he's going to give up like the rest of the world.

Now back to the effort thing: after a good couple of months (after a truly good couple of years) fighting with my ex and just doing things to tick each other off and get back at each other, we were finally even. He had hurt me as much as I had hurt him. I saw the huge canyon of a break that had appeared between us and couldn't stand to let it stay that way. In my opinion, everything is fixable, and I am the type of person who looks for a solution in every situation. I saw an opportunity to start fresh, to really try to fix things instead of just letting them fester.

Theory #2: Time does not heal all wounds. It lets them sit there, lets you think about them and drive yourself crazy over what went wrong until eventually you just go numb and don't care anymore. Letting yourself go numb is the worst thing you can do. Fight for what you want.

Obviously, seeing how he's my ex now, the effort went one way. Moving on to my next boyfriend, my prom date, my, well, to put it bluntly, rebound...same story. Okay, newsflash: people argue. Cool, fix it. Don't give up on it. Lack of effort led to the end of that relationship.

This seems to be a lovely little trend in my life, and honestly it's getting really old. I would say, "Maybe I should stop trying so hard for people that don't really care." but that would be giving up, and seriously, do I have to tell you again? I hate that more than anything.

a room is not a house is not a home

I pulled into the driveway this morning and heard it within minutes: bickering. I did not miss this. Believe it or not, you do not need argue about everything just because you can. I don't care how normal you think this is; I've witnessed plenty of parents or spouses lead peaceful, happy lives where the word "compromise" is not only understood but put into use on a normal basis. No, I may not always be right, but I am with this; I have proof. Look around, look at your peers.

I hate the stubbornness I acquired from my family. It's such an unattractive quality. And I'm by no means using my youth as an excuse, because that would be such a double standard coming from me, but I understand stubbornness better coming from a "young, developing soul" such as myself as opposed to someone with children and life experience/encounters that I have yet to see. Aren't those things supposed to teach you something? open your eyes? So when your daughter is (God forbid) pointing out that nothing has changed when it comes to you and your fiancee finding it necessary to argue about every little thing, and at this rate maybe never will, why must you cut me off mid-sentence? I don't care who you are, that is just rude, and no one appreciates it. I don't care how old you are, you are still capable of being wrong...and I think you learned to take constructive criticism in what, 5th grade?

Moving on, I open the back door and see my room...my yellow is now white, my lace curtains are gone, my bed is moved and clad in ugly blue plaid, new furniture replaces my "shabby chic" dresser. WHAT?!  No, no no.  It's been a week. And my brother lives here twice a month.  And the guest room isn't even a guest room. NO.  A week in college is not an adequate amount of time to feel at home, settled in.  Even if I was terribly homesick, I don't even have a home to be sick over now.  I mean, I wrote poetry about that room, for God's sake!

Yellow

I am locked here in this tiny yellow cell,
and more than one contradiction with me:
One, I hold the key
Two, the bad is out while the good is in
         the bad can frolick while I, the supposed good, can only imagine
The supressors may roam, the suppressed may not
Again, though, the suppressed lays claim to the key that keeps her
Keeps her in and away, but all the while with her thoughts,
the only possessions besides the key to keep her sane

The yellow is not padded, although she fears it should be
Call it a sabbatical, if you will, for the troubled mind
Of the oppressed.
Of the melo-dramatic.
Of the hateful.
This tiny yellow cell, this tiny yellow sanctuary
More contradictions.
I cannot see you, one who is also bound, but I can dream.
The reason for all this yellow, this sanctuary
Outside I am angry, Inside I am hopeful

I'm a little dramatic, but I feel a little homeless right about now.  I have so many memories in an imaginary place.

If I had a nickel for every time, I'd own the bank.

First of all, I don't know why I'd assume anyone would actually want to hear me rant about my typical little college life. But whatever, I'm doing it anyway.

Secondly, I go through this horrible little trend/cycle of getting my hopes up and then getting let down. See? Typical angsty teen crap...I apologize. I have this weird personality disorder (not really) where I desperately want to be wanted. I don't necessarily need love in return, I just need to have someone let me love them. Horrible, unhealthy, immature...I know. Save it; I've heard it before.

Because of this, I don't trust at all at first, and then I trust all at once. I let myself become charmed and open myself up for emotional injury. This has happened so many times it's ridiculous. I don't know how many times I've heard the phrase "I'm not like every other guy." Oh really? Because now I expect you not to be and have amazingly high standards for you, meaning you will disappoint me and end up being the typical guy. So thanks for that. Even though I already know this, I will still stick by you until you utterly shatter me for like, a day. Then I'll essentially go out and subconciously pick another guy to do the same thing to me. They make me like them, trust them, and then they let me down. When this cycle ends, finally, well obviously that's the end of the road, meaning hopefully this is where the ring (and commitment) comes in. Thank God. Really.

However, it's funny how after I've gone through this process a disgusting amount of times, I still feel all angsty and ripped in half every time it happens. Helllloooo, Earth to Taylor. Don't be so dumb. Thanks.

I just want this:

Is that so horribly horrible? Maybe. Whatever.

Peace & Blessings; Peace & Blessings.

Hi, my name is Taylor. Don't move my stuff.

So I've been at Dominican University for a week now, perfectly content in a single-meant-as-a-double room decorated with my crappy photography and fake flowers.  I have been so okay (understatement) with not having someone I don't know living uncomfortably close to me, touching (possibly stealing) my stuff, and being outright rude (ghetto?) for no reason.  You would think that after a week, I'd be home-free. Not so much. She moves in tomorrow night, while I'll be back home for Labor Day weekend. I swear if she touches my stuff, this will be taped to her desk:

Love, the innocent little white girl.